Momancholy

I dropped my boy at Ithaca College on Wednesday and am now back home.

It was a non-goodbye, which was probably the hardest part.

After the flurry of moving in, unpacking everything, and running to the store for the fan and trash can we forgot (no trash cans to be found), my boy got a text from his lacrosse team that they were meeting in 20 minutes.

Cool, cool.

He was so stressed about getting there on time that he basically booted us out with zero fanfare.

No classic dorm photo with Mom and Dad next to the annoyed college student waiting for them to leave. No tucking in the sheets and fluffing the pillows, no tidying up the bedside table.

Nope—just, “I gotta get going! Let me get changed!”

Okay, then. Bird successfully launched! 🤪😭

I didn’t even get the long hug I had been thinking about for most of the day. I have to admit that I had spent many moments wondering how long he would let me hold him, how long was too long, how much I just wanted his heart to my heart for a few minutes.

Ah, my Cancer-Mama heart split as I cried some tears on the drive out of town, wishing we could have stayed close enough to swing by in the morning to get that last hug. (But with hotel rooms at $700/night for move-in week, it wasn't in the cards this year.)

So we drove along, my tears silently falling down my cheeks, Jerry strumming about ripples on the radio, sprinkles of rain drifting onto the windshield.

The Second Year is Easier

Honestly, compared to last year, those tears were mere drops in the bucket.

I was a wreck last year when we dropped him off at Bridgton Academy for his post-grad year.

I suppose that was the real first year away, even though it wasn't college yet. A bridge for both of us, where he would be held more closely and be nearer geographically to me.

This transition of your first/oldest child leaving your home, your nest, to begin their own journey as young adults...it's not meant for the weak.

Like, who had the idea that you'd pour your heart and soul into a project for 18 years? That project was your primary focus, the thing that kept you up at night with worry, the thing that brought you joy you'd never known was possible, the thing that gave life a whole different dimension... all to let it go?

What the heck?

My Cancer heart doesn't like this letting go stuff.

But to offer a light, it DOES get easier.

Dropping him off and leaving him in a brand new place to make his own way (without a hug—I'm still bitter, but I'll get over it, eventually) was hard.

But he was so ready.

And he's living his absolute best life right now, making me not only sad but a little envious.

College Drop-off Emotions are Complicated

It's not just sadness we feel as mamas.

It's envy for a new experience that we both want to be part of with our kids. And if we're being honest (as my friends have affirmed), we want it for ourselves as well.

How different would college be if you could do it NOW?!

I know I'd pay a whole lot more attention in classes and soak up what the professors were saying!

So I am left feeling sad and envious. And also excited for him, for the new people he's meeting every single day, for the things he's learning, for the new environment he's making his home in, for the team he's a part of, for the more complex and nuanced human he is becoming.

And I'm also grieving the fact that I don't get to see it. He will return home for a visit in the fall with new layers to him, and I won't have seen them develop. Instead, I will see the result. And that's how it will be from now on.

So I'll also feel grateful. And proud. And trusting myself and him that I've done the best I could to set him up for success—whatever that means for him. (And as a Projector, this is so important for him.) I am amazed at the young man he is, and in awe of what he is becoming.

Embracing the Journey

I’m sure you’re feeling all the feels, too. Know you are not alone.

One of the best ways to process emotions is to name them. So here's a link to a feelings wheel.

I’m sending so much love to you as you launch your birds right now. Check out these journal prompts to support you. They will help you explore all the feelings that you've identified on the feelings wheel, and in doing so, help you to feel through them. 💓

And listen to the pod for some practical tips to reconnect with yourself as you enter this new chapter (because it's a whole new chapter for you, too!) and even some Human Design-inspired care package ideas to send your college kid what they actually need.

Listen to Episode 75 of Midlife by Design: Momancholy & College Drop-off: Support for Midlife Moms right here or on You Tube, Spotify, Apple, or any of your favorite podcast platforms.

If you're a mama going through it right now, remember that endings are just beginnings in tricky packaging. Look inside and remember that this gets to be your renewal, too.

Drop a comment with what's helping you get through, and know that you are not alone. XO